It's a Knockaert

The ramblings of a football obsessive and Game of Thrones nerd.


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My Top 100 Footballers 2017

This is literally the only reason this blog still exists at this point. Here we go…

100. Radamel Falcao – Monaco and Colombia (NEW)

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99. Leon Goretzka – Schalke and Germany (NEW)

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98. Cesc Fabregas – Chelsea and Spain (Down 7)

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97. Fabinho – Monaco and Brazil (NEW)

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96. Christian Eriksen – Tottenham and Denmark (NEW)

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95. Toby Alderweireld – Tottenham and Belgium (NEW)

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94. Vincent Kompany – Manchester City and Belgium (Down 5)

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93. Ciro Immobile – Lazio and Italy (NEW)

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92. Casemiro – Real Madrid and Brazil (NEW)

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91. Franck Ribery – Bayern Munich and France (Down 40)

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90. Marco Asensio – Real Madrid and Spain (NEW)

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89. Kalidou Koulibaly – Napoli and Senegal (NEW)

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88. Steven N’zonzi – Sevilla and France (NEW)

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87. Nabil Fekir – Lyon and France (NEW)

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86. John Stones – Manchester City and England (NEW)

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85. Thomas Muller – Bayern Munich and Germany (Down 50)

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84. Angel Di Maria – Paris Saint Germain and Argentina (Down 38)

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83. Gabriel Jesus – Manchester City and Brazil (NEW)

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82. Alvaro Morata – Chelsea and Spain (NEW)

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81. Raheem Sterling – Manchester City and England (NEW)

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80. Thomas Lemar – Monaco and France (NEW)

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79. Joshua Kimmich – Bayern Munich and Germany (Down 13)

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78. Ederson – Manchester City and Brazil (NEW)

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77. Timo Werner – RB Leipzig and Germany (NEW)

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76. Bernardo Silva – Manchester City and Portugal (NEW)

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75. Gianluigi Donnarumma – AC Milan and Italy (Up 13)

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74. Alexandre Lacazette – Arsenal and France (Down 6)

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73. David Alaba – Bayern Munich and Austria (Down 45)

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72. Leroy Sane – Manchester City and Germany (NEW)

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71. Kylian Mbappe – Paris Saint Germain and France (NEW)

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70. Arjen Robben – Bayern Munich and Holland (Down 11)

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69. Adrien Rabiot – Paris Saint Germain and France (Up 23)

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68. Radja Nainggolan – Roma and Belgium (Up 5)

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67. Ilkay Gundogan – Manchester City and Germany (Down 26)

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66. Diego Costa – Chelsea and Spain (Down 41)

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65. Miralem Pjanic – Juventus and Bosnia (Down 3)

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64. Karim Benzema – Real Madrid and France (Down 38)

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63. Samir Handanovic – Inter Milan and Slovenia (Up 31)

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62. Raphael Varane – Real Madrid and France (Down 10)

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61. Roberto Firmino – Liverpool and Brazil (Down 7)

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60. Marek Hamsik – Napoli and Slovakia (Up 12)

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59. Cesar Azpilicueta – Chelsea and Spain (Down 6)

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58. Marco Reus – Borussia Dortmund and Germany (Down 3)

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57. Samuel Umtiti – Barcelona and France (Up 21)

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56. Dries Mertens – Napoli and Belgium (NEW)

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55. Thibaut Courtois – Chelsea and Belgium (Up 21)

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54. James Rodriguez – Bayern Munich and Colombia (Up 2)

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53. Philippe Coutinho – Liverpool and Brazil (Down 3)

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52. Ousmane Dembele – Barcelona and France (NEW)

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51. Thiago Silva – Paris Saint Germain and Brazil (Down 21)

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50. Sadio Mane – Liverpool and Senegal (NEW)

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49. Koke – Atletico Madrid and Spain (Down 22)

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48. Jorginho – Napoli and Italy (NEW)

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47. Thiago Alcantara – Bayern Munich and Spain (Down 7)

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46. Lorenzo Insigne – Napoli and Italy (NEW)

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45. Alex Sandro – Juventus and Brazil (NEW)

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44. Giorgio Chiellini – Juventus and Italy (Up 25)

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43. Gianluigi Buffon – Juventus and Italy (Down 6)

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42. Mohamed Salah – Liverpool and Egypt (Up 23)

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41. Mauro Icardi – Inter Milan and Argentina (Up 29)

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40. Sergio Ramos – Real Madrid and Spain (Down 14)

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39. Marc-Andre ter Stegen – Barcelona and Germany (NEW)

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38. Fernandinho – Manchester City and Brazil (Up 50)

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37. Gareth Bale – Real Madrid and Wales (Down 24)

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36. Jan Oblak – Atletico Madrid and Slovenia (Down 5)

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35. Jerome Boateng – Bayern Munich and Germany (Down 11)

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34. Mesut Ozil – Arsenal and Germany (Down 19)

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33. David De Gea – Manchester United and Spain (Up 30)

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32. Gerard Pique – Barcelona and Spain (Up 16)

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31. Edinson Cavani – Paris Saint Germain and Uruguay (Up 54)

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30. Manuel Neuer – Bayern Munich and Germany (Down 21)

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29. Zlatan Ibrahimovic – Manchester United and Sweden (Down 10)

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28. Diego Godin – Atletico Madrid and Uruguay (Down 11)

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27. Mats Hummels – Bayern Munich and Germany (Up 34)

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26. Paul Pogba – Manchester United and France (Up 32)

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25. Arturo Vidal – Bayern Munich and Chile (Down 3)

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24. Andres Iniesta – Barcelona and Spain (Down 10)

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23. Leonardo Bonucci – AC Milan and Italy (Down 5)

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22. Marco Verratti – Paris Saint Germain and Italy (Up 7)

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21. Gonzalo Higuain – Juventus and Argentina (No move)

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20. Antoine Griezmann – Atletico Madrid and France (Down 8)

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19. Sergio Aguero – Manchester City and Argentina (Down 3)

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18. Alexis Sanchez – Arsenal and Chile (Up 16)

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17. Paulo Dybala – Juventus and Argentina (Up 16)

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16. Harry Kane – Tottenham and England (Up 26)

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15. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang – Borussia Dortmund and Gabon (Up 5)

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14. Marcelo – Real Madrid and Brazil (Up 9)

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13. N’golo Kante – Chelsea and France (Up 19)

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12. Luis Suarez – Barcelona and Uruguay (Down 10)

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11. Cristiano Ronaldo – Real Madrid and Portugal (Down 5)

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10. Isco – Real Madrid and Spain (Up 39)

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9. David Silva – Manchester City and Spain (Up 30)

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8. Sergio Busquets – Barcelona and Spain (Up 3)

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7. Robert Lewandowski – Bayern Munich and Poland (No move)

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6. Eden Hazard – Chelsea and Belgium (Up 4)

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5. Neymar – Paris Saint Germain and Brazil (No move)

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4. Toni Kroos – Real Madrid and Germany (No move)

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3. Kevin De Bruyne – Manchester City and Belgium (Up 5)

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2. Luka Modric – Real Madrid and Croatia (Up 1)

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1. Lionel Messi – Barcelona and Argentina (No move)

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Peep Show: Every Episode Ranked

Peep Show: the definitive comedy for the socially awkward individual with no direction in life, so no wonder it’s been such a success with the British public. Iconic characters like Super Hans and Johnson, and the polar opposite main characters Mark and Jeremy have provided ridiculous – and hilarious – escapades beyond counting. Here’s my personal ranking of every one of the 54 episodes we have been blessed with.

54. S8E6 – Quantocking II

Mark: Well, me and Dobby make a great team… Opposites attract!

Jez: No they don’t. Not really. That’s just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.

53. S9E3 – Threeism

52. S9E1 – The William Morris Years

51. S9E4 – Mole-Mapping

Fuck tennis. It’s basically just bullshit ping-pong for giants.

50. S8E2 – Business Secrets of the Pharaohs

This must be the greatest quantity of squeezable mustard ever present at a literary lunch.

49. S5E5 – Jeremy’s Manager

48. S5E4 – Jeremy’s Mummy

Super Hans: It’s a pisser though, innit – cancer. They should find a fucking cure.

Mark: I think they’re trying.

Super Hans: Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It’s important, Mark.

47. S9E2 – Gregory’s Beard

I need a… norm. And you, well you’re a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, Beef Wellington, don’t trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar Cheese and Chicken Tikka Masala man.

46. S9E6 – Are We Going To Be Alright?

Love’s hard mate. Fucking hard. Doesn’t work… breaks. But you’ve got to give it a go. Norwich are never going to win the league, but they still turn up every week don’t they? The pricks.

45. S8E5 – Chairman Mark

44. S7E6 – New Year’s Eve

I would have found that funnier if I hadn’t been literally weeping in fear.

43. S2E4 – University Challenge

Jez: Wow, free chocco! Tasty!

Super Hans: The secret ingredient is crime.

42. S3E4 – Sistering

Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it’s all a big laugh.

41. S1E6 – Funeral

40. S8E3 – The Love Bunker

Simon: Is this a normal night for you?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, me and my guys, and our cannabis.

39. S5E3 – Jeremy’s Broke

I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders.

38. S3E6 – Quantocking

37. S1E1 – Warring Factions

I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can’t take any more of your husband’s shit.

36. S2E1 – Dance Class

Jez: There’s only so much happiness in the world and they’re hoarding it all!

Mark: That’s not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

35. S9E5 – Kid Farm

Butter the toast, eat the toast, shit the toast. God, life’s relentless.

34. S4E4 – Handyman

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it’ll be sort of OK.

33. S6E1 – Jeremy at JLB

32. S6E3 – Jeremy in Love

Dobby: the anxious self-hating man’s crumpet. But probably best if I never ever say that to her.

31. S6E6 – Das Boot

Boy to geek to drone.That’s the Corrigan trajectory.

30. S5E6 – Mark’s Women

You’ve been going around thinking thoughts your whole life, and look where that’s got you.

29. S8E4 – Big Mad Andy

Jez: I’ve got medical training, I’ve got a certificate.

Mark: I gave you the certificate. It’s utterly meaningless.

Jez: In a way, aren’t all so-called qualifications meaningless?

Mark: No.

28. S1E3 – On The Pull

27. S6E4 – The Affair

In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, boom, out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

26. S1E2 – The Interview

Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white’s the treat. Of course I’m the one who’s laughing because I actually love brown toast.

25. S3E2 – Sectioning

Jez: People like lager and nuts.

Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can’t trust people, Jeremy.

24. S1E5 – Dream Job

I’ve made a psycho call to the woman I love, I kicked a dog to death, and now I’m going to pepper spray an acquaintance.

23. S2E6 – Wedding

22. S5E2 – Spin War

The Big Beat Manifesto goes “Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time”.

21. S1E4 – Mark Makes a Friend

Will you walk, like some stupid .. duck? Or will you drive, like Clarkson?

20. S3E1 – Mugging

Yeah. Take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn’t protect you from my big fist.

19. S7E4 – Nether Zone

Times are hard, Jeremy. I’m selling my clarinet on eBay, I’m making my own hummus.

18. S5E1 – Burgling

17. S4E3 – Gym

16. S2E3 – Local Hero

Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink.

15. S7E1 – St Hospitals

Plumbings just lego, init? Water lego.

14. S8E1 – Jeremy Therapised

Well played Gerard, you couldn’t beat me on Earth so now you’re shitting on me from heaven, like a dead jealous pigeon.

13. S2E5 – The Man Show

Jez: No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.

Mark: Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!

12. S7E2 – Man Jam

Need to talk business, babe, get yourself a drink. Mine’s a large one… as you fucking know!

11. S7E3 – A Beautiful Mind

10. S6E5 – The Party

Jez: Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.

Mark: What, like start a message and then say “Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I’ve got too much tit in my mouth?”

9. S6E2 – The Test

Just because I’m dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!

8. S3E5 – Jurying

Jez: Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Mark: Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can’t face reality.

7. S4E2 – Conference

Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.

6. S7E5 – Seasonal Beatings

5. S2E2 – Jeremy Makes It

Oh come on lads, let’s lose the cone. I’m a somebody now, there’s no need for a cone.

4. S3E3 – Shrooming

Is that normal pooing you’re doing, Mark?

3. S4E1 – Sophie’s Parents

You’re not James Bond, you’re disgusting.

2. S4E6 – Wedding

Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.

 1. S4E5 – Holiday


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The Best Tweets About the US Election

As the future begins to look more and more like a Donald Trump-led dystopia, you may find yourself plunging into gloom and despair. The situation is desperate, as everyone’s least favourite Oompa Loompa faces off against the zodiac killer Ted Cruz for the Republican nomination, and Hillary Clinton seems certain to beat Bernie Sanders, the most popular old white man since Santa Claus, for the Democrat nomination. However, at times like this, laughter can be the best medicine, and the funniest people on Twitter are, as always, doing their best to keep us laughing through the tears.