It's a Knockaert

The ramblings of a football obsessive and Game of Thrones nerd.


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Five Players Leicester Should Sign

Better writers than me have waxed lyrical about my miraculous Leicester City, our once-in-a-lifetime season, and the superb players who made it happen. That’s done now, though, and it’s time to start looking to the future. Leicester are in a very strong position in this summer’s transfer market, with Champions League football to offer, and the new TV deal meaning they can offer higher wages and transfer fees than they ever could before. We will never have a better chance to attract top players to the club. However, Claudio has said he isn’t interested in signing established world class players who would disrupt the harmonious atmosphere among the squad. So, here are five promising young players who would greatly improve our squad, but still have it all to prove.

Wissam Ben Yedder – Toulouse

Ben Yedder has quietly been one of the best strikers in Ligue 1 for the least few seasons, and scored 17 goals this season for a Toulouse side that only avoided relegation with a dramatic final day escape. He has stated that he will look to move on this summer, and with 62 league goals in his last four seasons, and still being only 25, there will be many interested sides. Lyon and Napoli have been linked, but Leicester have the attraction of playing in the most popular and richest league in the world. Clearly a prolific finisher, he is also gifted creatively and contributes to build up play. He would take some of the goalscoring responsibility off Jamie Vardy’s shoulders.

Expected fee: £10-15million

Likelihood: 5/10

 

Sime Vrsaljko – Sassuolo

Although every Leicester player played out of their skin last season, if you had to pick a weak spot, it would be at right-back. Danny Simpson was perfectly adequate last season, but world class form doesn’t last forever – and then there’s the small matter of him being convicted for domestic assault. Clearly, a new right back should be a high priority, and Vrsaljko has been making waves in Serie A for some time now. A whole host of clubs are after him, including Juventus, Inter, Napoli and even Barcelona, but Leicester could definitely get him with the right offer.

Expected fee: £8-12million

Likelihood: 4/10

 

Juan Quintero – Porto

Two years ago, Quintero was one of the hottest young players in the world, but since then his stock has plummeted, with injury problems, failing to get into the Porto team, and this season’s disappointing loan to Rennes. However, go back a bit further, and you find an incredibly skilled playmaker with a fantastic long shot and free kick ability. Other than Riyad Mahrez, Leicester don’t have any players who can spring a great piece of skill out of nowhere, and if anyone can revitalise a career not going to plan, it’s Claudio Ranieri. Still only 23, Quintero plays best as a number 10, but can also play on the wings, a position than needs strengthening.

Expected fee: £3-6million

Likelihood: 6/10

 

Niklas Sule – Hoffenheim

A tall, strong, and quick centre back, Sule’s no-nonsense style of defending make him a perfect protege for Huth and Morgan to take under their wing. Neither of our current two centre backs are getting any younger, and at just 20 Sule could be the rock in our defence for the next decade or longer. He has been strongly linked with Dortmund as a replacement for Mats Hummels, and with Liverpool due to the Klopp connection, so Leicester would have to fight hard if they wanted to get him.

Expected fee: £15-20million

Likelihood: 3/10

 

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg – Bayern Munich

Another 20-year-old from the Bundesliga, Hojbjerg looks set to leave Bayern this summer to try his luck elsewhere. A defensive midfielder who has played out wide and already plays for Denmark’s senior team, he is currently on loan at Schalke where he struggled initially, but is ending the season a regular in the team. A greatly versatile player, with excellent attacking and defensive qualities, he can fill in at a number of positions but would mainly be a good rotational option for the centre of midfield.

Expected fee: £7-12million

Likelihood: 7/10

 

Possible line-up:

Schmeichel

Vrsaljko – Morgan – Huth – Fuchs

Mahrez – Kante – Drinkwater – Quintero

Vardy – Ben Yedder

Subs: Schwarzer, Sule, Chilwell, Hojbjerg, Albrighton, Gray, Okazaki

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Peep Show: Every Episode Ranked

Peep Show: the definitive comedy for the socially awkward individual with no direction in life, so no wonder it’s been such a success with the British public. Iconic characters like Super Hans and Johnson, and the polar opposite main characters Mark and Jeremy have provided ridiculous – and hilarious – escapades beyond counting. Here’s my personal ranking of every one of the 54 episodes we have been blessed with.

54. S8E6 – Quantocking II

Mark: Well, me and Dobby make a great team… Opposites attract!

Jez: No they don’t. Not really. That’s just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.

53. S9E3 – Threeism

52. S9E1 – The William Morris Years

51. S9E4 – Mole-Mapping

Fuck tennis. It’s basically just bullshit ping-pong for giants.

50. S8E2 – Business Secrets of the Pharaohs

This must be the greatest quantity of squeezable mustard ever present at a literary lunch.

49. S5E5 – Jeremy’s Manager

48. S5E4 – Jeremy’s Mummy

Super Hans: It’s a pisser though, innit – cancer. They should find a fucking cure.

Mark: I think they’re trying.

Super Hans: Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It’s important, Mark.

47. S9E2 – Gregory’s Beard

I need a… norm. And you, well you’re a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, Beef Wellington, don’t trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar Cheese and Chicken Tikka Masala man.

46. S9E6 – Are We Going To Be Alright?

Love’s hard mate. Fucking hard. Doesn’t work… breaks. But you’ve got to give it a go. Norwich are never going to win the league, but they still turn up every week don’t they? The pricks.

45. S8E5 – Chairman Mark

44. S7E6 – New Year’s Eve

I would have found that funnier if I hadn’t been literally weeping in fear.

43. S2E4 – University Challenge

Jez: Wow, free chocco! Tasty!

Super Hans: The secret ingredient is crime.

42. S3E4 – Sistering

Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it’s all a big laugh.

41. S1E6 – Funeral

40. S8E3 – The Love Bunker

Simon: Is this a normal night for you?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, me and my guys, and our cannabis.

39. S5E3 – Jeremy’s Broke

I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders.

38. S3E6 – Quantocking

37. S1E1 – Warring Factions

I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can’t take any more of your husband’s shit.

36. S2E1 – Dance Class

Jez: There’s only so much happiness in the world and they’re hoarding it all!

Mark: That’s not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

35. S9E5 – Kid Farm

Butter the toast, eat the toast, shit the toast. God, life’s relentless.

34. S4E4 – Handyman

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it’ll be sort of OK.

33. S6E1 – Jeremy at JLB

32. S6E3 – Jeremy in Love

Dobby: the anxious self-hating man’s crumpet. But probably best if I never ever say that to her.

31. S6E6 – Das Boot

Boy to geek to drone.That’s the Corrigan trajectory.

30. S5E6 – Mark’s Women

You’ve been going around thinking thoughts your whole life, and look where that’s got you.

29. S8E4 – Big Mad Andy

Jez: I’ve got medical training, I’ve got a certificate.

Mark: I gave you the certificate. It’s utterly meaningless.

Jez: In a way, aren’t all so-called qualifications meaningless?

Mark: No.

28. S1E3 – On The Pull

27. S6E4 – The Affair

In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, boom, out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

26. S1E2 – The Interview

Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white’s the treat. Of course I’m the one who’s laughing because I actually love brown toast.

25. S3E2 – Sectioning

Jez: People like lager and nuts.

Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can’t trust people, Jeremy.

24. S1E5 – Dream Job

I’ve made a psycho call to the woman I love, I kicked a dog to death, and now I’m going to pepper spray an acquaintance.

23. S2E6 – Wedding

22. S5E2 – Spin War

The Big Beat Manifesto goes “Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time”.

21. S1E4 – Mark Makes a Friend

Will you walk, like some stupid .. duck? Or will you drive, like Clarkson?

20. S3E1 – Mugging

Yeah. Take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn’t protect you from my big fist.

19. S7E4 – Nether Zone

Times are hard, Jeremy. I’m selling my clarinet on eBay, I’m making my own hummus.

18. S5E1 – Burgling

17. S4E3 – Gym

16. S2E3 – Local Hero

Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink.

15. S7E1 – St Hospitals

Plumbings just lego, init? Water lego.

14. S8E1 – Jeremy Therapised

Well played Gerard, you couldn’t beat me on Earth so now you’re shitting on me from heaven, like a dead jealous pigeon.

13. S2E5 – The Man Show

Jez: No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.

Mark: Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!

12. S7E2 – Man Jam

Need to talk business, babe, get yourself a drink. Mine’s a large one… as you fucking know!

11. S7E3 – A Beautiful Mind

10. S6E5 – The Party

Jez: Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.

Mark: What, like start a message and then say “Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I’ve got too much tit in my mouth?”

9. S6E2 – The Test

Just because I’m dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!

8. S3E5 – Jurying

Jez: Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Mark: Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can’t face reality.

7. S4E2 – Conference

Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.

6. S7E5 – Seasonal Beatings

5. S2E2 – Jeremy Makes It

Oh come on lads, let’s lose the cone. I’m a somebody now, there’s no need for a cone.

4. S3E3 – Shrooming

Is that normal pooing you’re doing, Mark?

3. S4E1 – Sophie’s Parents

You’re not James Bond, you’re disgusting.

2. S4E6 – Wedding

Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.

 1. S4E5 – Holiday